The Agony & the Ecstasy

I had the most horrible dream last night where DH and I just found out we were pregnant and were decorating the nursery. It was almost finished when we found out we were having a chemical pregnancy. I woke up completely upset at 3:50 am and couldn't fall back to sleep because it hit so close to home. We got positive pregnancy tests yesterday and even though we're trying not to get too excited until we get the beta results back, we did spend a good amount of time yesterday in the room that will be our nursery talking about where the furniture will go so the nightmare was WAY too close for comfort. I laid in bed for two hours praying that our little one will stick while I poked at my boobs to see if they were still sore and overanalyzed every little twinge I was felling in my abdomen. Finally, DH woke up at 6:00 am and I took another test. I was so relieved to see Pregnant pop up right away. I can worry a little less today, although I'll probably buy some more FRER tests to take tonight to see if the line gets any darker. I was never a POAS-a-holic before but now that I've gotten a positive, I can't help myself. I need reassurance that I'm still pregnant.

That's the thing with IF. Every time you get past one hurdle, there's another one waiting. You get your period and wait to ovulate. Once you ovulate, you're subjected to the crazy 2ww. If you get a BFP, you spend the first week hoping it's not a chemical pregnancy. Once you have three doubling betas, you pray you won't miscarry. It really never ends. I think about some of my friends who had what we refer to as "oops" babies (you know the people who tell you "We weren't really trying and were so surprised!" I'm sorry but not using birth control is trying!) and know that they never went through any of this agony. For them, they had no idea when they ovulated, no clue they were in the 2ww and most likely never heard of a chemical pregnancy. They probably did worry about miscarriage, but I think for IFers, after trying for so long, the worry is even worse.

So here I am, one day after my first positive pregnancy test ever and I am honestly terrified. Excited too for sure, but also frightened beyond belief that this great blessing might be taken away. And the worst part is that there's nothing I can do about it except take things a day at a time.