Waiting (formerly Wishing) For The Wee Ones

Project Nursery Part 3

2008-10-25T17:26:00.014-04:00

We're hoping Gabrielle will be home sometime in the next few weeks which means I really need to finish the girls' nursery. DH and I tackled some of it last week so now there are just some little things left to do. I have to wash all of the sheets and the changing pad covers and we're missing the curtains and some art for the walls but overall, I'm pretty happy with how it's turning out.

I didn't really have a theme for the room but I wanted a fun, funky space that would grow with the girls so I used a lot of bright colors and went with sleek modern furniture.

The cribs are Oeuf Classic and I had the bedding custom made by Oh Petit Bebe. I cannot rave enough about the work Sara did. For two bumpers, two crib skirts and a reversible comforter, I paid $210, which is way more than I would have spent had I bought two sets at a store and because I bought the fabric, it's exactly what I wanted. Here's a close up of the fabrics I picked -- the floral is for the bumpers, the polka dot for the crib skirts and the embroidered linen will be for the curtains which my mother is generously making for us.

The quality of the bedding from Oh Petit Bebe is terrific and Sara was super easy to work with. She makes everything from fitted sheets to Boppy covers and I highly recommend her if you're looking to have something custom made.

Our glider is by Monte and I absolutely love it! It's so comfortable and the microfiber will be easy to clean. The floor tiles are Toy Poodle by Flor in Fluffy Fuschia, Lala Lime, Zozo Yellow, Lush Lilac, Toto Teal and Fifi Orange. DH and I love floor tiles because you can create a unique look for your space and if one gets stained or ruined you can replace it with another. We have them in our dining room, office and entry hall too.

Our dresser/changing table is Babi Italia Scandi from Babies R Us. I like that it has drawers and a cabinet with shelving -- that means room for lots of goodies!

I've been looking everywhere for a bright lacquered mirror to go over the changing table. I finally found an antique frame that I'm going to paint and use with a mirror instead. The style is similar to this one but it will either be a bright teal or lilac.

Here's some of the artwork we've hung in the room so far. I had a wall quote -- Precious ones so small and sweet, dancing in on angels' feet, straight from heaven's brightest star, what miracles you truly are. -- screen printed onto two canvases by Etsy member GeeZees. Stephanie did a phenomenal job and she has tons of other great stuff in her shop.

And I found this adorable piece by Etsy seller thehomespunraven which I think is perfect for twins girls.
We also put this wall decal of a colorful tree up next to the cribs. Quite a few sites carry it but we got ours from Land of Nod.

Last but not least, I saw these butterflies at Pottery Barn Kids and loved the idea of them but wasn't crazy about the patterns so I found an Etsy seller who made a bunch for me to match the nursery. They're going to go on the wall with the tree and the canvases. I'm hoping to put them up tomorrow and will post pics then.

So that's Gabrielle & Alaina's nursery so far. I can't wait until the girls are home to enjoy it!

Getting Bigger By the Day

2008-10-20T17:25:00.000-04:00

Since her surgery, Alaina has been fed via TPN, which is intravenous, since her intestines needed to heal. On Saturday, the doctors decided to start giving her nourishment through a feeding tube again. She started out getting .5 cc's of Pedialyte every hour and on Sunday they started her on formula and breast milk. Since she lost so much of her small intestine, the challenge is to see how much of the milk she's getting she's able to digest. Alaina will continue to get TPN until the doctors see that her small intestine is working properly and she's getting enough nutrients from the milk to sustain her so it feels a bit like we're back where we were three weeks ago hoping she'll tolerate her feeds. It's going to be long process but hopefully the small intestine she has left will be able to do its job. In the meantime, the TPN is obviously agreeing with her because Alaina now weighs 3 pounds 1 ounce. The surgeon calls TPN "steak in a bag" which is right up the alley of any child of DH's! And milk is doing Gabrielle's body good -- she was up to 2 pounds 14.5 ounces today. Her skinny little chicken legs are finally filling in!

Daddy's Girls

2008-10-19T17:23:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was Gabrielle and Alaina's five week birthday and boy did they celebrate! First, the girls put on their best duds aka their very first outfits. Here's Alaina loving her heart ensemble:

And here's Gaby in her little ducky dress. We took this after she got put back in her Isolette so she's not very happy...

Then the girls got to snuggle with daddy. Seeing these little bundles in DH's arms was such an amazing moment. They're so small, he doesn't even need two hands to hold them!

Alaina was mesmerized by daddy.

And Gabrielle was so excited to be with daddy that we had to put her CPAP back on!

Who Needs CPAP?

2008-10-18T17:21:00.000-04:00

Gabrielle and Alaina don't -- at least not all the time! The nurses at Columbia started weaning Alaina off of her CPAP for a few hours a day earlier this week and yesterday, it was Gaby's turn. She's on CPAP for three hours, then off for another three and she did really well. She loves not having the big tubes attached to her head -- when I went to see her yesterday morning, she had pulled them off herself!

They still have the velcro mustaches on but here are some pictures of our CPAP-free cuties.

Alaina:

Gabrielle:

I used to think the girls looked exactly alike but now that we get a better look at their faces, I can see the differences. Alaina looks more like her daddy -- she had a darker complexion and DH's eyes -- while Gabrielle is starting to look more like me -- she's more fair and has a longer face. It's so amazing getting to know these little girls!

Gabrielle Gets Sprung

2008-10-17T17:20:00.001-04:00

Gabrielle had her first excursion out of the Isolette yesterday and she loved it! She had to keep her CPAP on, but Gaby was wide awake and totally alert while she cuddled with her mommy. We had to shut the lights off so they didn't hurt her eyes so this video is a little dark, but you'll get a better peak at Gabrielle's pretty little face.

When we put her back to bed, I got to take a quick picture of her without the CPAP on. She's such a cutie if I do say so myself!

Not one to be outdone by her big sister, Alaina showed off a new trick yesterday. In the past week, she's become addicted to her binky and would to cry until someone gave it to her. Now she does something new...

And her new trick obviously works on mommy -- here she is just seconds later.

So yesterday was a great day and Gabrielle and Alaina are looking forward to cuddling with their daddy this weekend!

The Girls in Action

2008-10-16T17:18:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I posted any video of Gabrielle and Alaina so here are two clips. Even though the girls don't do all that much at this age (they're 32 weeks gestation which is basically -8 weeks old based on their due date), you definitely get a sense of their personalities from just these one minute clips. Little miss Gabrielle is my mellow baby (except when someone wants her to do something she doesn't want to, like lay on her back!). She literally spends her days sleeping and growing, which is what she would be doing in the womb right now. Here she is trying to stay awake while she eats her dinner.

Meanwhile, Alaina is the drama queen. She's always squirming, wriggling and letting you know what's on her mind. She spends a lot of her day with her eyes wide open trying to take everything in. I filmed her yesterday with her CPAP off and you can tell how happy she is to be free of all of the gear. Without her hat on, you can see the crazy haircut she has thanks to all of the IV's the doctors had to put in her head (she still has her PICC line on her right side).

The girls are growing like crazy now. Gabrielle is up to 21 cc's of milk per feeding and weighs 2 pounds 10.32 ounces. Alaina is on TPN again and it obviously agrees with her because she's up to 2 pounds 11.73 ounces. At the rate they're gaining, the girls could break the three pound mark in the next few days!

A Big Day for Gaby & Alaina!

2008-10-14T20:34:00.000-04:00

Boy, are we long overdue for a day like this one!

Nonna and I went to visit Gabrielle this morning and she was doing really well. She's kept all of her feeds down, is back up to 18 cc's of milk and even though she missed a bunch of meals this week, she weighs 1140 grams (which is 2 pounds 8.21 ounces)! She spends almost her entire day sleeping on her belly (which is why she gains weight easily -- she's not doing anything to burn any calories!) but I managed to snap a few pictures of her with her pretty eyes open.

When we went to visit Alaina, her new nurse (who I love and it has nothing to do with the fact that we have the same name!) had given her a baby makeover. She'd had a bath and the tube that was going into her mouth had been moved to her nose so her chin was free of tape for the first time. Alaina looked like a new baby! She's been breathing so well that the nurse also decided to give her breaks from her CPAP. She spent an hour breathing on her own before we got there and since she didn't have any episodes, the nurse said it would be fine for me to hold her. I've been waiting for this day since we got the positive pregnancy test way back in April! First, Alaina got dressed in her first outfit:

Then I got to snuggle with my little munchkin for the first time.

And here's Alaina finding her fingers:

Alaina loved her first excursion out of the Isolette. She didn't cry once and breathed on her own without any issues. You would never know she had major surgery 10 days ago that we weren't sure she'd make it through.

So that was our exciting day! Alaina can't wait for her daddy to hold her and we're hoping we'll be able to cuddle Gabrielle very soon too.

Things Are Looking Up

2008-10-13T22:33:00.000-04:00

For tonight anyway. Gabrielle's X-ray came back clean again. The doctors think that after a day of holding her feeds, starting her back at 20 cc's may have been too much and caused her to throw up. They started feeding her again at noon with 15 cc's and so far, she hasn't had any issues. Let's hope we don't have another incident tonight like we've had the last two!

Meanwhile, her little sister had a great day. A new attending physician is on this week and after examining Alaina she said she couldn't believe how active she is and how good she looks considering the surgery she's been through. The surgeons agree that she's making impressive progress and she may be transfered back down to where Gaby is to start feeding and fatten up before her next surgery. I'm sure Gabrielle would be very happy to have her sister with her again!

I Spoke Too Soon....

2008-10-13T10:26:00.001-04:00

Gabrielle threw up her feed again last night. Her doctors are doing another set of X-rays now and we hope to have news around noon. I don't know how much more of this roller coaster ride we can take.

Another Scare

2008-10-13T07:25:00.000-04:00

Every morning, we call to check on the girls. At 6:00 am, we call Alaina's nurse to make sure nothing changed over night and we check in again around 9:00 after the nurses change shifts to get her blood work results before we head up to see her. Around the same time, we call St. Vincent's to get check in on Gabrielle as well.

Yesterday morning, Alaina got two good reports which is always a huge relief, but when we called to check on Gaby, the doctor told us that after her midnight feeding, her belly started looking a little distended, which is a sign of NEC. They did an X-ray and it looked clear but they were holding her feedings just to be safe. Gabrielle contracting NEC too is our worst nightmare. Normally we would go to Columbia to spend the day with Alaina and see Gaby on our way home, but our routine went out the window and we immediately headed down to St. Vincents to talk to the doctors.

When we got there, the head neonatologist assured us that Gabrielle was fine. She showed us the X-ray of her intestines which looked nothing like Alaina's had, and said that if Gaby had been any other baby, they wouldn't have even been worried about NEC, but because of what we'd been through, they were being extra cautious. She told us that all of her blood work looked perfect and when we looked at Gabrielle's belly, it seemed fine. The doctors wanted to give her a blood transfusion because she was slightly anemic, which is normal for preemies, and after that, they were going to start her feeds again. In the end, poor Gaby missed a whole day's worth of milk because we're all so paranoid she's going to get sick like Alaina did, but at this point, I know it's better safe than sorry.

28 Days Later....

2008-10-11T10:24:00.002-04:00

The girls are four weeks old today! Gabrielle will be celebrating by moving up to 20 cc's of milk per feeding (she's getting more than 5 ounces a day now!) and hopefully Alaina will mark this milestone by having another good day.

When we went to visit Gaby last night, we found out that she's got some exciting things on the horizon. She'll be 32 weeks gestational age on Tuesday and sometime between 33 and 34 weeks, she'll be weaned off her CPAP and start bottle feeding. Around the same time, the doctors at Columbia will start feeding Alaina milk which she's so ready for judging by how much rooting she's doing. I know all parents say time flies and it's certainly true -- our little munchkins are growing up so fast!

One Week Later

2008-10-10T10:27:00.001-04:00

Yesterday morning marked a week since we were told that Alaina had developed NEC. We were terrified to hear it but I assumed at this point she'd be through 7 days of antibiotics and on her way to feeling better. I never in my wildest dreams imagined my little girl would have undergone a surgery to remove two pieces of her intestines. But here we are and thankfully, she's doing well.

Alaina spent most of yesterday sleeping peacefully and it was so quiet in her room (no alarms going off!) that her daddy and I actually napped with her. You'd never know by looking at her that she's had major gastrointestinal surgery and the doctors and surgeons are very happy with her progress. We're hoping that they'll start feeding her milk soon (she's on TPN now) and Alaina is obviously ready for it - she's constantly rooting, which means she's making sucking motions with her mouth looking for a nipple. Feeding her milk will get her stomach and intestines working again and help her gain weight. The surgeon wants her to be double the weight she is now before the second surgery to reconnect her intestines. We're thinking that will happen in 8 weeks or so. By then, the girls will be full gestation so, God willing, Gabrielle will already be home. We're hoping Alaina will be home for Christmas but I think that may be optimistic.

We're getting into a routine now that Alaina seems to be stabilizing. We spend the day with her and if her last blood work comes back looking good, we go to visit Gabrielle. Last night, we got to St. Vincent's in time to see her being weighed. The nurse stripped her down and took her CPAP off so DH and I got to see Gaby's face for the first time since I can remember. She's so adorable! The little diva wasn't happy about being naked and moved around and let everyone know it with some angry screams and we couldn't help but laugh. It looks like Gabrielle's ritual of spending the day napping is paying off -- she's up to 2 pound 6 ounces! Since she doesn't burn many calories during the day, this little one should keep gaining weight at a good pace. We asked the doctor when she'd be off the CPAP and she said it could happen when she reaches 33 weeks gestational age which is less than two weeks from now. Gabrielle will be very happy once that comes off!

So that makes three good days in a row. I have a feeling the doctors are starting to think DH and I are nuts because we keep asking questions looking for the bad that no one's telling us but it seems like Gabrielle and Alaina are doing everything they should be. The last week has been the most draining we've ever had but I'm hoping the really bad days are finally behind us.

Another Good Day

2008-10-09T09:21:00.002-04:00

Wow. This is the earliest we've been home in I don't know how long. I'm almost afraid to write about the day in fear of jinxing it.

I'll start with Gabrielle since she's been getting short shrift lately. She had lots of visitors today. Grandma and Bubbe spent time with her this morning and DH and I went to see her before we came home. I may be crazy but I swear she's grown in the two days since we last saw her! She had her eyes open and checked her mommy and daddy out. I used to think Gaby and Alaina looked exactly alike but they're starting to develop looks of their own now. They both have their daddy's nose but their face shapes and eyes are changing. I can't wait until we see them with their CPAPs off so we can get a full view of their sweet little faces!

So our little Gabrielle is turning into a bit of a diva. She really likes to spend the day on her tummy with her head facing left. When the nurses try to turn her head the other way to prevent her from getting a flat spot on one side, she gets upset. She cries when she has to lay on her back and swats at the nurses' hands when they do something she doesn't like (taking her temperature, for example). I guess we shouldn't be surprised -- this is the same baby who forced her way out of the womb at 27 weeks. When she wants something, she makes sure she gets it!

Meanwhile, Alaina had another good day. Like I said, I don't want to jinx anything but I can't remember the last time we went 24 hours without any sort of scare. So here we are, home at a decent hour, looking forward to eating a meal that doesn't start with the question "For here or to go?" and hoping to get a good night's sleep. I'm praying that when we call to check in on the girls, our good luck will continue....

What a Difference a Day Makes

2008-10-07T21:57:00.000-04:00

Alaina had what we thought was a good day yesterday -- her glucose and platelet levels were up and she was awake and alert -- but last night turned out to be hell. We left the hospital confident that she was doing well but when we got home and called to check on her, she'd done a 180. Her glucose levels were frighteningly low and her platelets had dropped again. In the course of one hour, we went from ecstatic over her progress to terrified about this setback. We've used the roller coaster analogy a lot but there's no better way to describe the super highs and extreme lows we've been going through.

Thankfully, today was a great day. When we called to check on Alaina early this morning, she had stabilized again. When we got to the hospital, we saw that the doctors had gotten a PICC line in which was a huge relief (ironic considering how excited we were to have her original one come out last week!). Alaina had 3 IV lines in when we left the night before which were used to give her everything she needed -- nutrition, medicine, blood transfusions, fluids and more. The problem with IV's is that they sometimes need to be moved and she was running out of places for them to go. With the PICC line in, the IV's are less important. Her new PICC line goes from the right side of her head down to her heart via a vein. In order to put it in, the doctors had to shave the right side of her head. They had already shaved the left side of her head to for an IV so she now has a baby mohawk. It's very cute and quite punk rock!

We spoke to the neonatalogist this morning and she's very happy with Alaina's progress. She assured us that the fluctuating platelet and glucose levels are normal considering what she's been through which made us feel much better. She's been breathing so well that the doctor took her off the ventilator and put her back on CPAP. Alaina's surgeon also came to check on her and said she's doing beautifully. His goal now is to fatten her up so they can do the second surgery to reattach the pieces of her small intestine that are left. So while she's still in critical condition, little Alaina is doing remarkably well considering what she went through just 72 hours ago.

And we can't forget about Gabrielle. Grandma spent the morning with her and said that she had a lazy day lounging on her tummy. She had to have her ears cleaned, which she didn't enjoy, but she's eating like a champ and her doctors say she's doing great.

We know the roller coaster ride isn't anywhere near over and there will be probably be plenty more lows along the way, but we'll take this high while we can.

46 Hours and Counting

2008-10-06T21:56:00.001-04:00

I never imagined 46 hours could feel like a month but it certainly can. Yesterday was rough. Alaina's platelet count was still low even though she'd gotten multiple transfusions and out of nowhere, her glucose levels fell. The doctors started giving her what they call pushes of glucose, which are basically straight doses of sugar to boost her levels, but the number wasn't going up. To test the glucose level, the nurse pricks her heel, puts a drop of blood on a test strip and uses a monitor to get the glucose reading. It all takes about 3 minutes. By the end of the day, we started to feel badly for Alaina's nurse because every time she took a reading, DH, my mom and I would sit there with bated breath waiting to hear the result and when the nurse would tell us it was the same or had fallen, it was a huge disappointment. Glucose is extremely important to all of the vital organs and if they aren't receiving the amount they need, they'll start to break down protein and other elements to replace it with. But no one could figure out why the glucose she was being given wasn't increasing her levels. Leave it to little Alaina to become a medical mystery.

Finally at around 7:00, we got some good news from her nurse practitioner. Alaina's platelet levels doubled! They were also going to take her next glucose level from a vein in her leg instead of pricking her heel in case the blood in her heels wasn't giving an accurate reading. We all piled into her room and waited while the NP tried to find a vein to draw blood from. If I were editing one of my shows, I would have added heartbeat sound effects to show how slowly it felt like time was moving. Sure enough, when her reading came back it was 77, which is perfect. To say we were relieved would be the biggest understatement ever!

By midnight, she was doing well enough that we felt okay about going home to get a few hours sleep instead of spending another night on the couches in the NICU conference room. Alaina had gotten some morphine for her pain so she was sedated but when she heard us say goodnight, she kicked her little legs and opened her beautiful eyes as if to tell us not to worry.

This morning, her glucose is a little low again and her platelets are down but the doctors say that's normal since they stopped the transfusions and pushes yesterday after her levels came up. I really hope today will be a good day.

One Day Down....

2008-10-05T09:06:00.000-04:00

It's been 26 hours since Alaina got out of surgery and even though she's still in extremely critical condition, she's doing as well as she can be. She was stable all night and her vital signs -- temperature, heart rate, breathing, urinary output, etc. -- are all strong. She's moving around and opens her eyes occasionally so she's alert and active. The two biggest concerns right now are that she has an infection that needs to be treated and that her platelet count (which helps her blood clot) is low. The infection is being addressed with a bunch of really strong antibiotics and her white blood cell count is coming up which is a good sign that the antibiotics are working. A platelet deficiency is normal after surgery since the body is using a lot of them while trying to heal itself so she's been getting platelet transfusions. Her count is now coming up and we're hoping her little body will start to produce them on its own very soon.

DH and I have been with Alaina at Columbia pretty much non-stop since she was transferred there Friday night. Having two babies in NICU's 150 blocks apart isn't going to be easy. My mother came down yesterday and spent some time with Gabrielle so she wouldn't be lonely and DH's mom will be here later this week. Gaby had shown some potential symptoms of NEC a few days ago and the doctors had stopped her feeds and started running X-rays to make sure she didn't have it. So far, everything looks good and she started back on milk yesterday. We stopped in to see her today and she was enjoying a post-lunch nap on her belly and everyone at St. Vincent's is keeping a close eye on her while we're with Alaina.

We're relieved that Alaina seems to be showing signs of improvement but we know there's a long road ahead. We count every hour that goes by and pray that her condition will continue to improve with each one.

An Update

2008-10-04T09:05:00.000-04:00

It's been the longest 24 hours of our lives (even longer than the night the girls were born which is saying something) but I wanted to post a quick update. I'm posting this from my iPhone so I won't go into too much detail.

Around 7:00 last night, Alaina was transferred to Columbia Presbyterian. Her X-rays and blood work hadn't changed which had her surgeon concerned. The pediatric anesthesiologist at St. Vincents was out for the Jewish holiday so if she was going to need surgery - which was looking more likely - the doctor wanted her with his team (her surgeon is the chief of pediatric surgery at Columbia, which is a top rated children's hospital in New York and the country so we knew she'd be in good hands). We were told early this morning - on the girls' three week birthday - that even though her intestines hadn't perforated, Alaina's condition hadn't improved so they were going to operate to find out what kind of damage the NEC had caused. She was in surgery for an hour and stayed stable throughout. When they got a look at her bowels, they found two areas of her small intestine that had gangrene and had to be removed. The rest of her intestines look healthy and the doctors think they got everything.

Right now, Alaina is in critical condition and we're hoping to see some progress in the next 72 hours. She still has quite a few hurdles ahead of her but our little girl is proving to be one heck of a fighter. Thank you so much for all of your prayers - she is a very lucky baby to have so many people pulling for her.

The Lowest Low Yet

2008-10-03T09:04:00.000-04:00

We got a call yesterday morning that Alaina has necrotizing enterocolitis (aka NEC). Basically, NEC is a very serious gastrointestinal disease where infection or inflammation can cause damage to, or even the destruction of, the intestines. She's in critical condition and we are hoping and praying that her intestines won't perforate which would require surgery. She's on antibiotics to deal with any infections (we found out today that she has an E. Coli infection but we're hoping the antibiotics will take care of it) and the doctors have her intubated so she doesn't have to work as hard to breathe. She has X-rays taken every 4-6 hours to make sure there are no perforations in her intestines and surgeons are on stand by just in case. The good news is that even though Alaina is in critical condition, she's been stable since yesterday but all we can do now is take it hour by hour.

As if that wasn't enough, Gabrielle starting throwing up yesterday too so the doctors stopped her feeds and started X-raying her to make sure she hasn't contracted NEC as well. So far, her X-rays have been clear but she's being fed via IV now just to be safe. The infection she had earlier this week seems to be under control and we're hoping she'll stay NEC-free and will be back to getting milk very soon.

So that's the latest. We'll post updates here when we can and we thank you in advance for any prayers and good thoughts you can spare for Alaina and Gabrielle.

Playing Dress Up

2008-10-02T09:00:00.000-04:00

While I was shopping before they were born, I saw so many cute Halloween costumes for newborns but I never imagined the girls would be here by October 31st. But since Gabrielle and Alaina decided to make an early arrival, I think dressing up is in order!

I found these adorable little costumes that are perfect for preemies in the NICU -- they're hats with bibs so they won't interfere with any of the wires the girls have on -- but I can't decide which ones to choose. That's where you come in! The six options are below and there's a poll to the left of this post where you can cast your votes for the two costumes you think we should get for Gabrielle and Alaina. Can't wait to see which ones win!

Ladybug:

Bumblebee:

Ghost:

Pumpkin:

Alien:

Cat:

The Roller Coaster Continues

2008-10-01T08:59:00.000-04:00

We found out last night that Gabrielle has an infection. The doctors had seen some abnormalities in her blood work last Thursday and put her on antibiotics as a precautionary measure. Yesterday, they got the results of the cultures they did on her and it turns out she has a bacterial infection. The good news is that it seems to be sensitive to one of the antibiotics she was given and her most recent cultures have been negative. The bad news is that to keep other babies in the NICU from getting the infection, Gaby had to be moved away from Alaina and into a special section with another baby who had the same infection. She'll be there for the next 14 days until the course of antibiotics she's on is finished.

The doctors are confident that the medicine she's on will take care of the infection and she had a spinal tap last night to make sure there weren't any signs of meningitis. Her fluid was clear so that's a really good sign and when Jan and I went to visit her this morning, she looked great and was very alert. We even thought we detected a smile on her face, although the nurse said it could just be gas. We spoke with the head neonatalogist who assured us that Gabrielle is doing wonderfully -- her blood work looks great, her temperature is perfect, she's eating well, etc. -- so we're hoping that the antibiotics will do the job and the infection will be gone for good. And the roller coaster ride continues....

Gabrielle's PICC Line is Out!

2008-09-30T20:58:00.000-04:00

We are so relieved. Thanks for all of the prayers, good vibes and crossed fingers.

We got a great report on both girls tonight. The neonatologist is really happy with how well they're eating -- she said most babies are a lot bigger when they eat as well as Gabrielle and Alaina do. It's probably because DH tells them they're getting chicken fingers and Snickers....

A Ride on the Roller Coaster

2008-09-30T08:51:00.000-04:00

Since the day the Gabrielle and Alaina were born, the doctors and nurses in the NICU have been telling us to be prepared for a roller coaster ride while the girls are there, meaning that there will be lots of highs and lows along the way. Luckily, we've had mostly highs so far and everyone is overjoyed by their progress, but yesterday we got our first taste of a low.

I went in for my morning visit expecting both Gabrielle and Alaina to be PICC line free and hoping I'd get the chance to hold them. Sure enough, Alaina's PICC line had come out and she was obviously enjoying having her arm free. But Gaby's line was still in. After we left Sunday night, she threw up her 6 o'clock feeding. One of the biggest risks the girls face right now is a condition called Necrotizing Enterocolitis (NEC), which is a gastrointestinal disease where infection or inflammation can cause damage to, or even the destruction of, their intestines. If the girls don't keep their feedings down, the doctors' main concern is making sure NEC isn't the reason why. After she got sick, Gaby's next four feedings were held until X-rays could be taken of her belly to make sure she didn't have NEC. The good news is by the time I arrived at 11:00 yesterday, they had ruled it out and started her feedings again with 10 cc's of milk, but now she has to tolerate 15 cc's again before the PICC line can come out. Even though this was a really small setback, it was still draining.

Jan and I went for our night visit and were happy to hear that Gaby had done well with her feedings and was up to 12 cc's, and the doctor was confident that her PICC line would come out overnight. But we had a new issue to deal with -- Alaina had thrown up her 3:00 feed and the X-ray technician was on his way down so they could check her for NEC. We watched as our little 2 pound baby was X-rayed and waited for the results to come back. During the wait, the doctor showed us Gabrielle's X-rays from earlier in the day. It turned out that the reason she had gotten sick was that her O.G. didn't go all the way down to her stomach so when she was being fed, the food couldn't make it where it needed to go. It wasn't her fault she had gotten sick and there wasn't anything wrong with her -- her feeding tube just wasn't in properly. She missed four feedings and her PICC line was still in because of something silly like that. Poor baby!

A few minutes later, Alaina's films came back and lo and behold -- her O.G. wasn't in her stomach either! Our girls love to pull at their wires and tubing (I had seen Alaina pull her O.G. almost all of the way out of her mouth earlier in the day) and now that they've both had vomiting incidents from the O.G. not being in place, I'm sure the nurses will be checking them much more closely from here on out.

So that was our day yesterday. In the end, both Gabrielle and Alaina were fine but the fear that comes along with any little setback, even something as simple as vomiting, is tortuous. The roller coaster analogy is right on.

One perk that came out of the crazy day was that little Alaina needed to be cleaned up while we were there and we got to see her pretty little face without all of the tubes and tape she normally has on. Here are some pictures:

Diapers & Feedings & Temperatures, Oh My!

2008-09-25T08:38:00.002-04:00

During our visits yesterday, DH and I got to change the girls' diapers, feed them and take their temperatures for the first time. I know, this probably doesn't sound like a big deal, but when your babies are in the NICU and you can't do "normal" parental tasks, even the littlest things are milestones.

The girls still have their central lines in so we can't pick them up, but when I went for my afternoon visit, Gaby's nurse decided that she was stable enough for me to help with her care (each of the girls has a different nurse and some let the parents be more hands on than others). First, I changed her tiny little diaper. The NICU has preemie sized diapers for the girls but even those are too big on them right now. We're going to take a few of them home with us for their baby books so when they're older, they'll see just how little they were. Next, I helped take her temperature, which was perfect, and then I got to give her her milk. She drank all of it and then proceeded to wail for the next five minutes until we put her back on her tummy with her pacifier which finally lulled her to sleep. When DH and I went to visit the girls later that evening, I took care of Gabrielle again and daddy got to feed Miss Alaina. It was a great day.

We also got really good reports on their feedings. Gabrielle is getting 5 cc's of milk a day and Alaina is getting 4. They've been tolerating the milk really well and if they continue to keep it down, they'll get 1 cc raises every 12 hours. That would mean they could have their PIC lines removed in the next week or two and we'll finally be able to hold our little ones! Keep your fingers crossed.

Tummy time all around

2008-09-23T09:25:00.003-04:00

When we went to visit the girls yesterday, both were lounging on their tummies. It's so cute to see them in this position! And they seem to love it. This is the calmest Alaina's been -- she's usually flailing her legs all over the place -- but tummy time agrees with her.

Gabrielle got to spend her second day on her tummy and did her best Maggie Simpson impression by sucking on her little pacifier:

Gaby's nurse shut her phototherapy lights off for a bit so we could peek at her with her eye coverings off. Her little face is so sweet!

We got great updates on both girls yesterday. They're both being fed milk through the tubes they have in their mouths. If they were still in the womb, they would be swallowing amniotic fluid which would kick start their digestive systems so the goal is to do the same with the milk now. They started out getting 1 cc of milk at each feeding and each time they keep it down, their feeding amount gets increased. Last night, Gabrielle was getting 3 cc's and Alaina was getting 2. Once they can tolerate enough milk at each feeding, the lines the have in their arms, which give them supplemental feedings, can come out. When those lines are removed, we'll be able to hold the girls outside of their Isolettes. Since they were taken straight to the NICU after they were delivered, we haven't been able to do more than touch them in the Isolettes yet. So keep up the eating, little ones. We can't wait for the day we'll be able to hold you in our arms!

Gabrielle & Alaina's Birth Announcement

2008-09-22T15:28:00.005-04:00

With the girls in the NICU, I need something to occupy my time in between visits and I've been reading so many posts about Scrapblog that I decided to give it a try.

We started telling people about the girls late last week once their progress reports kept comng back positive but there was no way we could call everybody so I figured I'd try to create a birth announcment we could send out. Here are the three pages I put together and when I e-mailed the link to our friends and family, they played to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I'm pretty happy with the result if I do say so myself!

Project Nursery Part Deux

2008-09-22T14:57:00.013-04:00

Now that the girls are here, we're making more progress on the nursery. I have to catch up on taking photos of the new additions to the room but here were the next steps we tackled.

Once the closet was done, we moved on to the flooring. My vision for the nursery was to create a room that's bright, cheerful and modern. It took me forever to find the perfect carpet (DH was appalled by how many samples I ordered!) but once I saw these floor tiles, I knew we'd found the winner.

The floor tiles are from Flor and they are terrific. We have them in different colors and styles throughout our apartment -- in the entryway, the dining room and the office -- and they're perfect for children since if one gets dirty, we can just replace that tile with another. The style I chose for the nursery is Toy Poodle and we got them in canary, fuschia, teal, lime, orange and lilac.

Here's our four-legged child, Fiona, helping us lay the tiles:

After we got the flooring done, the cribs arrived. We chose the Oeuf Classic cribs for the girls and ordered them from Buy Buy Baby with their multiple discount and using a coupon. I've loved this modern style for a while and they convert into the cutest toddler beds.

And of course Fiona had to check to make sure they were sturdy enough for the girls.

So that's the latest from Project Nursery. I'll post our new dresser and the fabrics for the bedding later this week. We're working hard to get it finished so everything will be ready when Gabrielle and Alaina get to come home!

Oh, and one more note. I'm planning to put a quote on the wall above the cribs. I've listed three options in my blog poll but for some odd reason, I can't get them to show the whole quotes so I'm going to list them here:

1. Of all the stars we wished upon, the brightest one has brought us you.

2. We had each other and then we had you and now we have everything.

3. Precious ones, so small and sweet, dancing in on angels' feet, straight from heaven's brightest star, what miracles you truly are.

Please cast a vote!

Gabrielle & Alaina are one week old!

2008-09-21T13:23:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was the girls' one week birthday and they had a wonderful day. Alaina kept her milk down for the first time and we got to turn off her phototherapy lights for a bit and see her little eyes open. Gabrielle had her first taste of tummy time in her Isolette and spent the day sucking on her purple pacifier. It's so funny to see them developing their own personalities even at this young age. Alaina is the dramatic one, which shouldn't really surprise us considering she spent so much time kicking her sister in the head while they were in the womb. She cries whenever her diaper is dirty and once it's changed, immediately poops or pees and cries for it to be changed again. Meanwhile, Gaby is totally chill and happy to kick back and relax. Both girls are doing so well that it's hard to believe that just a week ago we had no idea whether they'd even make it.

I had my own milestone yesterday when I FINALLY saw some milk after pumping. I was starting to think that after 7 days and no results that I might not have any milk supply, but I woke up yesterday with some drops on my nipples. Sure enough, my first pump of the day was a good one and the rest weren't bad either. DH was so cute -- he was cheering my boobs on every time I pumped, and we were so excited to bring the milk with us to the NICU. Knowing that the girls were starting to get milk was hard when I wasn't producing any so I was so relieved that things seemed to finally be working. But by nighttime, my supply was waning again and so far today, I've had little to nothing. A good friend of mine is an LC and she said that even though the Medela PIS is the best pump you can buy, with preemies I should really be renting a hospital grade pump. So that's our plan for tomorrow -- trying to rent a Medela Symphony so that I can hopefully get my milk flowing again.

I'm a Mommy!

2008-09-17T11:49:00.008-04:00

Yes, you read that right. The girls arrived at 27 weeks and 4 days. We had no signs that they were coming early and yet here I am, less than a week later, a mommy. Life works in mysterious ways.

Let's rewind to Friday, September 12th. I'd been having some back pain in the days before but nothing that seemed out of the ordinary for a pregnant lady. DH and I spent that night at Newborn CPR class. At one point, when we were talking about car seats and the instructor made a joke that DH and I should get ours installed sooner rather than later because we might be delivering soon, we laughed, having no idea what was in store for us later that night. After class, we grabbed some McDonald's for dinner (which DH insists is what started everything!), watched some TV and went to bed by 10:00 which was pretty typical for me and my big belly. At around 10:30, I woke up feeling like I'd peed. This sensation wasn't all that surprising since I've been feeling leaky, for lack of a better word, for weeks now, but something about it worried me. I headed into the bathroom and the water continued to flow. After a few minutes, I called DH in and we paged my OB. By the time he called back, the water was pink tinged and we got dressed and headed to L&D. There didn’t seem to be any cabs coming so our doorman, who was heading home after his shift, drove us. With the night starting off like something out of a bad sitcom with the doorman rushing us off to the hospital, I should have known more craziness was coming!

We walked into L&D a little after 11:00 pm having a sense of déjà vu since we had just taken our hospital tour the weekend before. Luckily, we had also submitted all of our pre-admission papers that day so that was all taken care of. They checked me in, got me changed and immediately took an ultrasound which showed that Baby A's water was broken and she didn't have much fluid left. Baby B was looking fine and the residents assured me that the fact I wasn't having contractions was good and that we should be able to hold off labor. I got a huge and painful steroid shot after that for the girls' lungs and they started magnesium to keep labor at bay. Afterwards, the nurse asked me was what my birth plan was. I had been joking for weeks with friends that my birth plan was drugs, drugs and more drugs so I told her my only request was an epidural and that the rest was up to my doctors. Famous last words…

My OB arrived and reiterated what we had been hearing -- that we would do everything we could to hold off labor while administering steroid shots to make sure the girls’ lungs were as mature as possible when we finally delivered. He said it could be hours, days or even weeks but seemed confident enough that it would be more than hours to have me transferred into a room with a window. Quite a few mommies on my pregnancy boards had been on hospital bed rest after their water broke, so the idea of being there for a few days or weeks didn’t seems that implausible. I figured I’d be able to relax and catch up on some of my soap operas. How bad could it be?

At this point, DH and I had to laugh a little about where we were. Our plans for the weekend had included packing my hospital bag (I figured I’d have it done really early!), finishing the baby shower thank you’s (if we still owe you one, it’s coming, I swear!) and finally picking names for the girls. Considering what was going on, we decided it made sense to make a choice. So after weeks of debate, we picked names in less than five minutes. I guess sometimes you just need to focus!

Around 2:00 am, I started feeling terrible pains in my back. As I mentioned before, I had been having back pain for about a week – I’d actually just started wearing a maternity belt contraption that day hoping it would help – but this was different. The nurse confirmed that what I was feeling were contractions and said not to worry. By 2:30, they were coming less than five minutes apart and I was in excruciating pain. She told me to breathe through them and most importantly not to push. Here was the thing – I had no idea how to breathe! DH and I hadn’t taken childbirth classes (it was way too early and honestly, we were so sure the girls would arrive via c-section that learning breathing techniques was never high on our list of priorities). I have no pain tolerance whatsoever – I’m not kidding, I cannot stand any sort of discomfort – so the contractions were pushing me over the edge. DH was amazing at keeping me focused and breathing considering I was writhing off the table and desperately trying to pull my oxygen mask off. I was squeezing his hand as hard as possible like I had seen people do in movies but even that wasn’t making me feel better. I could feel tons of pressure in my groin so I had my legs crossed as tightly as possible to make sure I wasn’t pushing but I was sure something was coming. The doctors hadn’t checked to see if I was dilated any earlier because with Baby A’s water broken, they were concerned about introducing germs into the birth canal, but now they decided they had to look based on the frequency of the contractions. Sure enough, Baby A’s head was right there. A little after 3:00 am, they told me she was coming and it was time to push. I asked if I could have an epidural now and they laughed that she was almost out and there was no time for that now. They told me to start pushing and I asked what that meant so the nurse coached me and DH through it. There were no stirrups so I had one leg on DH’s shoulder (things happened so fast, he wasn’t even in scrubs!) and another on the nurse’s. After a few of what I was told were good pushes, Gabrielle Victoria was born at 2:33 am. DH saw her wriggling around and we heard her make a few gurgling noises before she was whisked off to the NICU. All I knew at that point was that she was alive and unbelievably, I was a mommy!

After Gabrielle was born, everyone’s attention turned to Baby B. My OB arrived – oh, did I mention that he missed Gaby’s birth? As far as I can tell, a bunch of residents and interns delivered her. It was like something out of Grey’s Anatomy – “Where’s Dr. Montgomery-Shepard?” “This baby’s not waiting for the doctor! She’s coming now!” It ended up being fine, and when my OB showed up, I told him he missed all of the fun. Looking at Baby B on the ultrasound, she still had a full sac of fluid and was looking good so the doctor’s were debating whether it made sense to hold off on delivering her. Because she was breech and her umbilical cord was what was presenting, they were concerned that if I did go into labor again, she would head down the birth canal cord first so the decision was made to deliver Baby B via c-section. I had always joked that my biggest birth nightmare was having both a vaginal and a c-section but at this point, I was honestly relieved. I was so exhausted from Gabrielle’s birth and the idea of doing it again – possibly without pain killers – terrified me. I was whisked off to the operating room where I got my spinal and was prepped for surgery. It seemed like there were 100 people bustling around but no sign of DH. He finally arrived dressed in what looked like a white paper Hazmat suit (it even had a collar – what I would have given for a camera!) and things got underway. There was a lot of pulling and tugging but other than that I couldn’t feel a thing which was just fine with me. Alaina Marie arrived at 4:33 am and we heard her crying before she headed down to the NICU to join her sister. It took another hour to get me stitched up – they hadn’t removed Gabrielle’s placenta after the vaginal birth and the doctors cracked up when I confirmed they had removed both before they closed me – and then I was wheeled into recovery.

One of the NICU doctors met us there and told us that both girls weighed a little more than two pound each and were breathing on their own which was a huge relief for babies their age. Whether they would be able to continue was a big concern but the fact that things started off so well was good. The doctor explained that the first 72 hours were going to be critical in terms of determining their lung strength, identifying any potential brain bleeds and keeping infection at bay. Based on their breathing, they were cautiously optimistic but only time would tell. She took DH down to see the girls and I made him promise to take pictures. When he came back, he was visibly shaken. The girls were really tiny, very swollen and hooked up to tons of wires and monitors and I think when he saw them, the seriousness of the situation finally set in. Everything had happened so fast up to that point – just six hours before, we had been in bed – that we really hadn’t been able to think about what everything meant. We hadn’t had time to ask any questions but now that’s all we had.

I spent a few hours in recovery and we decided while we were there that until we had a better idea of how the girls were doing, we didn’t want to share the news with anyone other than our parents and siblings. It was just too much for us to make a big announcement when we weren’t sure what was going to happen. DH called his mom around 6:00 am and caught her so off guard, she had to call back an hour later to make sure she heard everything right. Meanwhile, my parents were in Italy on a three-week vacation for their 40th anniversary. We had joked when my mother sent us every contact number under the sun that we’d never need them, but little did we know! We left messages everywhere and waited to hear back. At around 7:00 am, I was moved into a private room – ironically, the one we had looked at during our hospital tour the week before – and DH ran home to check on our kitty and get the things we might need for the next few days.

I finally got to see the girls later that night. DH wheeled me down to the NICU where Gabrielle was in an open bassinet. She had been having some breathing issues so they had intubated her during the day but it was already out. I couldn’t get over how tiny she was! But even being so small, she had 10 perfect toes, ten perfect fingers, little fingernails and eyebrows and a full head of wavy brown hair. She was wriggling around and even though her eyes were covered up, she seemed totally aware. I couldn’t believe this was the same baby we’d seen just a week before on the ultrasound and now here she was. The whole situation was still so surreal! Alaina’s isolette was nearby and other than being enclosed, she had the same wires and IV’s as her sister. Like Gabrielle, Alaina was fidgeting around, waving her hands and her legs, like she was happy to have more room than she did in the womb. She had a full head of hair like her sister and long long little legs. At the ultrasound the week before, Alaina was clearly kicking Gabrielle in the head so we teased her that she chased her sister out early. Seeing the girls was so emotional – we had waited for them for so long and even though they arrived early, having them there was a dream come true. To say it was love at first sight would be an understatement.

The next few days went by in a bit of a blur. DH’s mom and stepdad came down on Sunday to meet the girls and my parents got in from Italy on Monday. The girls’ middle names are for their grandmothers – Victoria for DH’s mom and Marie for mine – so seeing them meet their namesakes was pretty amazing. We counted down the hours everyday (waiting to pass that 72 hour mark was torture!) and continued to get good updates from the NICU doctors. In fact, I think the girls surprised everyone with how well they did. On Monday, Alaina managed to pull her IV out of her hand so they had to restrain her arms. The staff said they’d never seen a preemie at that age have the strength or coordination to do anything like that. That night, she managed to get her toe looped around the feeding tube that was going through her umbilical cord and she tried to yank that out too! So by the end of day three, she had baby restraints on both her arms and legs. We found the whole thing funny and extremely encouraging but it looks like we’re going to have our hands full with that one. She’s already a baby Houdini.

We’ve had great progress reports on the girls all week and the doctors are starting to be more and more positive with us. They spent the first few days really trying to manage expectations, which based on how critical and precarious things were makes total sense, but now they see things looking up. Both girls had brain scans and showed no sign of bleeds, which is great. They’re both on CPAP, which basically delivers air into their noses, and they’re getting room air at this point, which is excellent. Earlier this week, they had scans of their hearts done to check for openings that normally close in full term babies during birth. Alaina’s had closed on its own but Gabrielle’s was still slightly open. They gave her some medicine to close it up and her scan yesterday showed that it was almost gone so now we’re going to wait and see if it will go away without any more treatment. Since their hearts and brains look great, they’ve pulled the intravenous lines out of their belly buttons and put a PIC line into each girl (this is a central catheter that can deliver any medicine or fluids they need) and they started getting 1 ML each of milk yesterday through a feeding tube which will hopefully kick start their digestive systems to start working. And they’re pooing and peeing like champs and are really active. All of these are fantastic signs and the head of the NICU said we couldn’t ask for anything more at this point. That being said, we know the girls have a long road ahead – they expect that they’ll be there for at least 10-12 weeks – and while we’ve had lots of highs these first few days, we’re prepared for the lows that will eventually be coming. But knowing they’ve made it through this critical time with flying colors helps immensely.

I was discharged on Wednesday and am resting at home. Considering I had both a vaginal birth and a c-section combined with the fact that we’ve been through the emotional wringer all week, I have to say I’m feeling really well. The hospital is 7 blocks from our apartment and I walked there and back to visit the girls this morning. I’ve been trying to pump since the girls were born on Saturday and finally got a small result today so hopefully my body is kicking into gear. Ironically, I had appointments with both my MFM and my OB today for my 28 week check ups. I never would have guessed I’d be home pumping when I made those appointments!

So that’s the latest from here. Thank you to everyone who has been sending us well wishes and prayers. We are so lucky to have so many wonderful people who care about all of us. I’ll post more pictures later but here are two for now. Here's a picture of Gabrielle at 3 days old:

And here's Alaina at 3 days old. Notice the gauze on her legs and arms? That's how she was restrained from pulling out her wires. She could still move around but she couldn't wreak any havoc!

Project Nursery is Underway!

2008-09-12T08:01:00.017-04:00

So while I haven't been blogging for the past few months, I have been busy decorating the girls' nursery. We have two spare bedrooms on the lower level of our apartment and up until now, we've been using one as a guest room and the second as a den. Since we have a pull out sofa in the den (which we've been told by our guests is very comfortable!), we decided that would become our playroom/guest room and we'd make the current guest room the nursery. Here's a picture of the room before:

Our first step toward transforming the guest room into baby central was to have the closet done. We have California Closets in our bedroom but decided to use Elfa for the girls' room and we are so happy with the result! We were able to customize everything and the system is adjustable so if after the girls arrive, we decide we need different storage options, we can easily change it up. Here's a picture of the closet before:

And here it is after:

We cannot rave enough about Elfa. The closet holds so much more now that it did before. Here's the proof (excuse the mess -- we're still organizing all of our wonderful shower gifts!):

We're using the drawers for the little things like socks and hats....

And bibs. Here are two of my favorite that we got at our shower.

So that's the closet transformation. More Project Nursery updates to come!

I'm back!

2008-09-12T07:53:00.005-04:00

I don't know where the time has gone! It seems like just yesterday I was posting our first ultrasound pictures and now here I am starting my third trimester. Crazy!

I'm 27 weeks and 3 days today. We had a growth scan last week and the girls are measuring right on target. Baby A is 2 pounds and Baby B is 2 pounds 3 ounces. We got a great 4D picture of Baby B ans she is the spitting image of DH -- same lips, same nose and everything. She's adorable!

We couldn't get a shot of what Baby A looks like because Baby B was kicking her in the head so she was hiding her face. I'm hoping she's got at least a little bit of me in her!

The bad news at the growth scan was that my cervix seems to shortening. I have to go back next week for another cervix check. I was feeling great up until last week and now all of the extra weight is starting to take its toll on me. My back hurts all the time and my feet are pretty swollen. I just bought a back support brace that I'll start wearing and when I'm not at work, I pretty much park myself on the couch with my feet up. I'm hoping I can hold off on bed rest for at least a few more weeks.

Introducing The WT's...

2008-04-09T07:39:00.005-04:00

Now that we've learned we're having twins, we've got a new nickname for the little ones -- The Wonder Twins. So going forwarding in this blog I'll be referring to them as The WTs.

We were so overwhelmed hearing there were two of them that I forgot to acknowledge The WTs reached a milestone yesterday hitting 5 weeks! They've already grown a bunch since last week and now look like this:

The embryos (looking kind of like tadpoles) are starting to form major organs (heart, kidney, liver, stomach) and systems (nervous, circulatory, digestive). The babies presence in my uterus triggers production of hCG (the hormone detected by pregnancy tests) which triggers production of other hormones like estrogen and progesterone which trigger all those great symptoms I've been noticing!

So that's the latest on our little apple seeds. Next week, they'll be the size of peas!

First Ultrasound Results

2008-04-08T11:59:00.004-04:00

I can't even tell you how nervous I was this morning. I was so convinced t was going to be bad news that I had to constantly remind myself to think good thoughts. So what did we see? Immediately, the ultrasound showed one sac and DH and were so relieved. But then the doctor shocked us when he said he saw another one. Sure enough, there are two sacs and we're expecting twins! Take a look for yourself.

I had two mature eggs when we triggered, one on each side, and it looks like they DH's swimmers found both targets! Even though we knew there was a chance of twins, we were completely surprised this morning but we're so excited. We've always wanted two kids so this just speeds the process up a little bit. I go back for another ultrasound next week and hopefully we'll be able to see the embryos then. I know we still have a long road ahead of us and we may end up with a singleton, but for now, I'm just happy to be pregnant for sure!

The Real Life 24

2008-04-07T07:50:00.004-04:00

Our first ultrasound is tomorrow morning and let me tell you, it feels like 100 years from now. It's been 8 days since we got our first positive HPT and almost a week since my beta came back to confirm the BFP. Since then, there hasn't been any new news about TVB. Most TTCers have had at least three betas by now and know their pregnancies are progressing but all I know is I was pregnant last Tuesday. I'm constantly analyzing symptoms (could that cramp mean it's an ectopic, if my boobs are less sore does that mean I'm not pregnant anymore, etc.) so I am ready for some news about how TVB's developing.

Meanwhile, DH and I spent the weekend looking at nursery furniture and reading pregnancy books. TVB is already real to us and I don't think we'll be able to bear it if the news we get tomorrow is bad. And the roller coaster begins again....

Seeing Red

2008-04-06T09:27:00.002-04:00

I'll start with a warning. TMI ahead....

The freakiest thing happened the night before last. I was putting in my progesterone suppository and the applicator came out with red-ish CM on it. I immediately got scared and inserted my finger to check for more and it came out covered in red blood. Seeing something like that made my heart sink. Spotting can be scary after a BFP but red blood is absolutely terrifying. I know that lots of people spot and bleed during their pregnancies and go on to have healthy babies but it's hard this early on to stay positive when you see something like that. I went to bed that night praying that everything was okay and that when I woke up the bleeding would have stopped. And sure enough, the next morning there wasn't even a spot of red. That was a relief but I wasn't feeling 100% better yet. To try to calm myself down I read up on bleeding in my pregnancy books which said this type of thing can be normal and that blood with clotting is more of a cause for concern. I also posted on the Success After Infertility board on the Nest and found that several other people there had experienced the same thing, especially while they were on progesterone suppositories which can irritate the cervix when they're inserted. That made me feel about 80% better but I don't think I'll feel like we're out of the woods until our sonogram on Tuesday. The next two days can't go by fast enough!

The Pregnancy Prediction

2008-04-03T07:40:00.006-04:00

Last summer, someone on The Nest posted about a psychic who sends predictions via e-mail and specializes in fertility. I'm not a huge believer is psychics, but after almost a year of TTC, I was looking for answers anywhere I could get them so I sent my payment in via Paypal and waited to hear back about when I would get pregnant. Here's what she replied:

"I am currently being shown December and it will be a girl."

So when December came and went with no BFP, I laughed at myself for thinking an Internet psychic could accurately predict anything about my life.

When I got my BFP last weekend, I immediately plugged TVB's conception date into a due date calendar (the one benefit of dealing with IF and having an IUI is that you know exactly when your baby was conceived!) and it turns out we're due December 9th. Seeing December made me think back to the psychic's prediction, so I dug through my old e-mails to find hers. And guess what line followed the one above?

"December is either the conception month, the month you find out in or the birth month."

I literally got chills when I read it. I guess back in August, I wasn't ready to think that it might take me another six months to get pregnant and just kind of ignored the part that said December might be the birth month. But here we are with a baby due in December and I'm wondering what else in her prediction might be true. I guess we'll find out 16 weeks from now when we find out TVB's sex.

UPDATE: I've been asked for info on the psychic I used. Here's a link -- The Baby Psychic.

And the verdict is....

2008-04-02T07:15:00.004-04:00

BFP!!! My beta was 196 which is almost twice what I was hoping for. Now this whole thing feels real. My doctor doesn't do repeat betas (I don't know why) but he wants to see me for a sonogram early next week. I have no idea what we'll be able to see at 5 weeks but I can't wait to see!

DH and I both came home early today to wait for the call from my RE so we were together when we got the news. Immediately, he wanted to start measuring the room that will be our nursery and look at furniture, but because I'm superstitious, I want to wait until after we see the heartbeat. So he spent the rest of the afternoon reading baby sites I have bookmarked like 2weekwait.com and peeonastick.com. He's so cute! And we both agreed to start calling our wee one something other than the MaybeBaby now. The nickname we came up with is private so for the purposes of this blog, I'll refer to him or her as teeveebaby (my profile on The Nest is teeveegirl). Here's what TVB is up to now at 4 weeks and 1 day:

In week 3, sperm meets egg, and voila: conception! Your little zygote sets off on a six-day trek through your fallopian tubes, dividing and redividing into identical cells as it travels to your uterus.

In week 4, now safe in your womb, the ball of cells (blastocyst) splits in two, becoming the embryo and the placenta. The amniotic sac and fluid are forming around baby, and will act as a cushion for the next eight months.

Snuggle in our little poppy seed! Mommy and daddy can't wait to see you next week!

The MaybeBaby

2008-04-01T10:10:00.002-04:00

Since we got our first + HPT on Sunday, DH and I have been calling the little being growing in my uterus the MaybeBaby because we're afraid of jinxing things. I got another Pregnant on a digital test this morning but until we get my beta numbers back this afternoon, I'm going to worry that somehow the tests have been wrong. And if I'm being honest, until we have three betas that have increased sufficiently, we'll probably still be referring to the MaybeBaby. In theory, this is our way of managing our expectations, but in reality, our hopes are already so high that if this isn't a viable pregnancy, we'll be crushed. So no matter what we're calling it, this baby is already real to both of us whether we admit it or not. But I guess saying the MaybeBaby is still better than calling it the Blob, right?

The Agony & the Ecstasy

2008-03-31T07:17:00.003-04:00

I had the most horrible dream last night where DH and I just found out we were pregnant and were decorating the nursery. It was almost finished when we found out we were having a chemical pregnancy. I woke up completely upset at 3:50 am and couldn't fall back to sleep because it hit so close to home. We got positive pregnancy tests yesterday and even though we're trying not to get too excited until we get the beta results back, we did spend a good amount of time yesterday in the room that will be our nursery talking about where the furniture will go so the nightmare was WAY too close for comfort. I laid in bed for two hours praying that our little one will stick while I poked at my boobs to see if they were still sore and overanalyzed every little twinge I was felling in my abdomen. Finally, DH woke up at 6:00 am and I took another test. I was so relieved to see Pregnant pop up right away. I can worry a little less today, although I'll probably buy some more FRER tests to take tonight to see if the line gets any darker. I was never a POAS-a-holic before but now that I've gotten a positive, I can't help myself. I need reassurance that I'm still pregnant.

That's the thing with IF. Every time you get past one hurdle, there's another one waiting. You get your period and wait to ovulate. Once you ovulate, you're subjected to the crazy 2ww. If you get a BFP, you spend the first week hoping it's not a chemical pregnancy. Once you have three doubling betas, you pray you won't miscarry. It really never ends. I think about some of my friends who had what we refer to as "oops" babies (you know the people who tell you "We weren't really trying and were so surprised!" I'm sorry but not using birth control is trying!) and know that they never went through any of this agony. For them, they had no idea when they ovulated, no clue they were in the 2ww and most likely never heard of a chemical pregnancy. They probably did worry about miscarriage, but I think for IFers, after trying for so long, the worry is even worse.

So here I am, one day after my first positive pregnancy test ever and I am honestly terrified. Excited too for sure, but also frightened beyond belief that this great blessing might be taken away. And the worst part is that there's nothing I can do about it except take things a day at a time.

P-Day is here!

2008-03-30T08:51:00.008-04:00

I literally couldn't fall asleep last night. I just kept repeating to myself "I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant" over and over hoping to convince my body it was true. I envisioned POAS and seeing two lines. I said every prayer I could think of which, for this semi-lapsed Catholic was a big deal. When I finally drifted off, I had a dream I saw two lines followed by another dream where I was waiting for my SAT scores (I guess my subconscious manifested the idea of taking a test!). I woke up this morning at 5 am and went back to my visualizations and "I'm pregnant" mantra for another two hours before DH was up and ready for me to test. I really can't remember being as nervous as I was going to pee on the stick. Even though I'd done this same thing dozens of times before, this particular trip to the bathroom seemed like it had so much more on the line than any time before.

So what did we see? Take a look for yourself.

The test on top was a stark negative (we used regular water so we'd have something to compare with) and the test on the bottom is mine. If you look closely enough you'll see what we saw just a minute after taking the test -- a second line! It's harder to see in the picture than it is in real life, but it's definitely there. DH kept saying "That's a line, right?" and I just kept replying "A line is a line!" I swear we sounded like a bad comedy routine!

I'm 12dpiui so the fact that it's light isn't surprising but I'm being cautiously optimistic. We'll try a digital later today and if that says Pregnant, I'll feel a little better but I'm not going to call it a BFP until after my blood test. There's definitely a line there, though, and for now, that's all I can ask for!

UPDATE: I took another FRER test and a CBE digital and they both came back positive!

The second line on the FRER popped up immediately and although you may not be able to tell from the photo, it's about twice as dark as the line on the first test. The Pregnant on the digital popped up within 30 seconds. OMG, this could be real!!!

22 Hours and Counting

2008-03-29T09:30:00.004-04:00

That's right, 22 hours from now I will POAS and hopefully get the BFP I've been dreaming of. Literally. Last night I had my first ever dream that I was pregnant. In the dream, I was throwing a bake sale with a friend of mine for some odd reason and she started telling my co-workers I was pregnant even though I had just tested positive. I kept trying to tell her that it was too early. I know a lot of people say they had a BFP dream right before getting one, so hopefully, this is a good sign!

I spent yesterday on an emotional roller coaster, feeling sure of a BFP one minute, then doing a complete 180 thinking AF was on her way. Since then, I've had a few more symptoms but who knows what they mean. I got really emotional yesterday at work and actually teared up. I've also been craving red meat, feeling some weird cramping (not where I usually get AF cramps), peeing a lot, getting hungry right after eating and drinking a ton of water. These signs could mean nothing. But they could also mean absolutely everything. All I know is that this time tomorrow, I'll either be overjoyed or devastated. And I think I'm prepared for either.

UPDATE: It's 6:23 pm (roughly 13 hours until P-Day, as I'm now calling it) and I swear I have menstrual cramps. Since AF would normally be arriving the day after tomorrow, they're right on schedule and I'm pretty sure I'll be seeing a stark white stick tomorrow morning. We're heading out to dinner with some friends and I'll definitely be indulging in some alcoholic beverages. Might as well. The old saying is drink 'til it's pink and my guess is, I won't be seeing pink for quite a while.

Sometimes Google Is Not Your Friend

2008-03-28T13:15:00.002-04:00

Remember how just a few hours ago I said that I was sure I was pregnant? Well now? Not so much. I started thinking about progesterone side effects and how they can mimic pregnancy symptoms so after doing way too many google searches, I'm now convinced I'm going to see a BFN on Sunday. Turns out exhaustion, veiny breasts and extreme hunger (that was another of my potentially phantom signs) can all be a result of the progesterone so I'm pretty sure I got my hopes up for nothing. Even what I like to think was implantation spotting could just be irritation from the suppositories. Oy, why of why do I do this to myself???

And one more sign....

2008-03-28T08:04:00.002-04:00

One of the wonderful girls from the TTTC board on The Nest told me she knew she was pregnant because her cat would constantly curl up on her belly. Hmmmmm. Can cats really know before we do that we're pregnant? I did some research and sure enough, there is a lot of talk that cats can sense the HCG that is released during pregnancy. Many cat owners have noted that their cats start behaving more friendly once those early signs of pregnancy start to appear. Well guess what? Our cat Fiona has been super snuggly for the past few days and refuses to sit anywhere other than on my belly. That has to mean I'm going to get a BFP, right?

D-Day is Near

2008-03-28T07:37:00.002-04:00

Yesterday morning, DH asked me when we're going to POAS. After feeling like this 2ww has been crawling by, now D-Day is almost here and honestly, it scares the hell out of me. Sure, since the IUI 10 days ago, I've been dying for this day to come, but knowing that this weekend it could all be over is terrifying.

And here's why -- I really think I'm pregnant. Yes, I posted a few days ago saying I've been feeling absolutely nothing and that was true then. In all honesty, I'm still hardly feeling much but the few small things I have noticed seem pretty significant. As you may have seen in my previous post, I had some pink-tinged CM on Wednesday and yesterday, I had the slightest bit of spotting that I really think could be from implantation. A few cycles ago, I had something similar and still got a BFN so it could be nothing, but considering my lining was a lot thicker this time around, I'm feeling positive. The next sign is the fact that I literally cannot keep my eyes open past 8 pm. Now I know that could be related to the progesterone I'm taking but I'm hoping against hope that it means something more. And last, but not least, I have bright blue veins all over my chest. Literally, I look like something out of Alien! I've had blue veins in the 2ww before, but this time they're all over and darker than they ever have been. Yes, it's likely that all of these symptoms mean nothing. But I just have this gut feeling that this IUI worked and that's why getting a BFN would absolutely devastate me.

So what to do? Should I not POAS and go in for my beta once I'm officially late (probably Tuesday or Wednesday when I'm 14 or 15dpiui) or face my fears and POAS this weekend? Well, I think I'm going to POAS Sunday at 12dpiui. By then, I'll be sure the trigger is out of my system and I think the results will be pretty accurate. Hopefully, my gut will be right and I'll see those two lines. C'mon BFP!

OMG! OMG! OMG!

2008-03-26T10:36:00.002-04:00

No, I didn't get a BFP but considering I'm only 8dpiui, it's the next best thing!

WARNING: TMI AHEAD....

I'm taking progesterone twice a day to help "support" implantation. Well, I just inserted my morning dose (yes, I have to take it vaginally. Don't say I didn't warn you about the TMI!) and when I pulled the applicator out, there was pink CM. That's right, PINK CM!!! I am hoping and praying this is implantation spotting. That would mean I'm one step closer to a BFP!

I was thinking last night how great it would be if we had some sort of window into our wombs. I know, I know, it sounds crazy, but hear me out. I'm only 8dpiui right now but there's a good chance we could already be out of the game. Seriously, if DH's sperm never met my egg, there's no chance I'm going to end up preggers this month. If I could see what's doing in my reproductive organs at the moment, I'd know for sure whether the egg had fertilized and we had passed stage one of the 2ww. I'm assuming we have, which would mean our little blastocyst is on its way to stage two -- implantation -- and it would so great to see if it even made it that far. Honestly, why should we be tortured analyzing potentially phantom symptoms hoping for a clue about what's going on inside?

Since there hasn't been a scientist who's tackled the challenge of how to watch your child's conception yet, I'm left praying that the pink CM I saw this morning is a good sign. As any TTTCer can tell you, we spend so much time scrutinizing the toilet paper every time we go to the bathroom, we might as well have a degree in TP CSI! Before ovulation, you're looking for EWCM to tell you you're fertile, from 7-10dpo you're searching for any signs of implantation spotting and after 10dpo, you're desperately hoping to not see the telltale spotting that indicates AF is about to arrive. I can't wait for the day I just go to the bathroom and toss the TP in without spending at least a minute staring at it for any important hints it may provide. Hopefully, I'm already 8 days closer to doing just that!

Halfway there....

2008-03-25T08:45:00.002-04:00

Today I'm 7dpiui and I feel absolutely nothing. Well, that's not exactly true. My boobs are super sore but I know that's a side effect from the progesterone I'm taking so it doesn't really count. Other than that, nada. Even my bloat is gone! I'm starting to think this cycle is going to be a bust just like the last 18. I know I should be thinking positive thoughts but this morning I just can't find anything to convince me there's a chance I may be pregnant. A week from now, I'll know either way but considering how long this past week has felt, another 7 days seems like forever from now. If fourteen days drags like this now, what will 9 months be like when I finally get my BFP?

Baby Porn

2008-03-24T14:33:00.007-04:00

Oy, this 2ww is crawling by! It feels like my IUI was months ago but I’m actually only 6dpiui. Sometimes, I'm 100% certain I'm pregnant. Other times, I'm completely convinced I'm going to get another BFN. Each day, I change my mind 20 times. It's like TTTC bipolar disorder or something!

So how have I been passing the time until I can finally POAS? By looking at baby porn! Please don't call the cops -- I'm not doing anything Chris Hanson from Dateline NBC would be interested in. I call looking at baby things looking at baby porn. It's kind of like how before I was even engaged, I already had a subscription to Martha Stewart Weddings and had most of the details of my wedding all planned out. That was my wedding porn and now I'm into baby porn. As embarrassing as it is to admit, I've been browsing nursery sites to get inspiration. I've already got a short list of cribs I like, know exactly which bedding I want for a boy and a girl and have several options for possible wall art bookmarked on my computer. It's kind of masochistic to subject myself to all of these baby-centric thoughts, but I just can't help it. In the past, I would avoid anything that could possibly "jinx" me getting pregnant (you know, like designing my yet to be conceived child's nursery!) but after so many BFN’s, I feel like I need something to keep me hopeful. And if that means picking out changing tables and car seats, then so be it!

For those of you who like to torture themselves in a similar manner, check out this new blog a friend of a friend of ours started called Project Nursery. I'm sure you'll enjoy it as much as I do!

www.projectnursery.com

2ww, Here I Come!

2008-03-18T14:59:00.006-04:00

Despite the fact that the physician's assistant took forever to get the catheter through my cervix, my IUI this morning went really well. DH had a great count and there are now more than 30 million little swimmers desperately searching for an egg to penetrate. I've been feeling ovulation-like pains all afternoon (along with some cramps from the IUI) so I think our timing was perfect but we'll BD tonight just to be safe.

With two mature follies, more than 30 million sperm and a triple stripe lining, there's no reason we shouldn't get pregnant this cycle but I know the chances are still slim. I'm going to try to be realistic about things so I'm not devastated if I get a BFN but at the same time, I need to stay hopeful. So while I'm preparing for the worst and praying for the best, the next 14 days are guaranteed to be the slowest I've ever experienced. Let the 2ww begin!

And away we go!

2008-03-17T13:19:00.002-04:00

My monitoring appointment went well yesterday -- I had a 17mm follie on the right and a 16.5mm on the left. But the best news of all was that my lining was 9.5 and a triple stripe, which the doctor said is the best possible environment for implantation. I am so excited! We got the call yesterday afternoon that we could go ahead and trigger that night and my IUI will be tomorrow morning. Considering I have two mature follicles (I never got more than one on Clomid), my lining is perfect and this is our first IUI, I'm so hopeful that this will be our cycle. I'm not the most religious person in the world, but I'll be praying we finally get our BFP.

Finally!

2008-03-14T16:33:00.002-04:00

Since this is my first injectables cycle, I wasn't sure what to expect but I really thought I'd be triggering by now. Turns out, I was wrong. My RE wanted to start me on a low dose of Bravelle to see how my body responded and to prevent over-stimulation. I was happy to hear that -- the last thing I wanted to happen was doing all of these injections and having the cycle canceled because I produced too many mature follicles – but after 14 days of stims, 7 blood draws and 4 ultrasounds, I'm ready to be done! So I'm happy to report that I just got my instructions for the next two days and they're lowering my Bravelle dose and having me come in on Sunday for what I hope will be the last blood draw and ultrasound. If all looks good, I'll be triggering that night and having the IUI on Tuesday. This morning, I had three mature follies – a 14 and an 11 on my right side and a 13 on my left – and I’m keeping my fingers crossed two of them will be at least 18mm on Sunday. Come on follies, get to growing!

Change of Seasons

2008-03-12T13:21:00.005-04:00

When we first started TTC, I was convinced that the best time to get pregnant would be during the summer and I had lots of reasons why:

1. I wouldn't be 8 months pregnant in 90 degree heat

2. Winter clothes make perfect maternity clothes

3. Our baby would be born in the winter or early spring, which I imagined was the perfect time for birthday parties down the line (I always felt bad for kids with birthdays during the summer or around the holidays because they never had big celebrations)

4. I could go on maternity leave through the summer, which would give me time to relax on the beach (and motivation to lose the baby weight)

I could go on and on but you get the gist.

Fast forward almost two years and now I could care less when I get pregnant as long as I do. If this cycle actually works (and I'm convinced that's a big if), I'll be due in December, right between Thanksgiving and Christmas. A few years ago before we started TTC, a friend of mine had a baby on December 30th and I remember thinking how gipped that kid would get because his birthday was so close to the holidays. Now, nothing sounds better to me than a December baby. And yes, I have plenty of reasons why:

1. I won't be 8 months pregnant in 90 degree heat!

2. Winter clothes are perfect to hide post-partum weight

3. DH always gets time off around the holidays so we'll be able to spend more time together as a family (even if it's not on the beach!)

4. Our child would be born in 2008 and I have this weird fixation with even numbered years (I was born in an even numbered year, I graduated high school and college in an even numbered year, DH and I got married in an even numbered year...)

Again, I could go on and on. I'm sure if this month doesn't bring a BFP, I'll come up with a whole new list of why January or February or April or even July will be the best month to have a baby. But you know what, a December baby does sound perfect....

WARNING: Bitterness Ahead....

2008-03-12T11:55:00.003-04:00

So I've made the trek to the RE's office 7 times in the past 10 days. I live in NYC and the RE's office is in NYC so I'm sure it doesn't seem like that big of a deal to most people. But believe me, it's a total pain in the ass. I live downtown on the West side and the doctor's office is uptown on the East side. That means either taking a $20 cab ride both to and from or walking 8 blocks to a subway across town followed by another 6 blocks to the doctor’s office. Either way, it takes about 45 minutes to get there. Add that to the fact that I have to be there between 7:00 and 8:30 am and I have to get up super early and either go straight to work at 9:00 (on a normal day, I usually roll in about 10:30 or 11:00) or go back home to waste some time before work. I know there are women who have to drive hours to their clinics so I really shouldn’t complain but it's still a hassle and I'm starting to get really tired of it.

When I got to the RE’s this morning (I took a cab there and the subway home), I realized for the first time that I recognized about 10 people in the waiting room. Not just by face, but also by name! How did I know these women who I’ve never met before? The nurses shout your name out when they're ready for you and I've been there so many times now that I've started putting the names with the faces. That's really kind of scary.

As I was wondering whether anyone there might recognize me by name too, a woman came to sign in pushing a stroller. This has to be my biggest pet peeve of all! I realize that there are a lot of women out there dealing with secondary infertility but in my opinion, there's something insensitive about bringing your child with you to an office full of people who would do anything for just one baby. Yes, babysitters and day care are expensive but there has to be some way to keep this from happening. Maybe the RE’s office should start some sort of child care center or something where women can check their children upon arrival so bitter infertiles like me don't have to be subjected to the sight of them.

I know, I know -- I'm really crusty today, but I can't help it. Some days I'm filled with hope, others I'm in deep despair but today, I seem to be stuck on angry. After almost two years of TTC, it’s hard to stay positive, and if I can’t vent here, where can I?

Follicular Frustration

2008-03-05T16:10:00.004-05:00

I went in for more bloodwork this morning and they took 8 vials! I nearly passed out from the sight of them. You'd think after four nights of sticking myself, I'd be used to needles but they still bother me.

I got a call from the RE's office this afternoon that my E2 level is only at 36 so they're upping my dosage from 75 mg of Bravelle to 112.5 mg. The clinic I go is very conservative with injectables -- they'd rather start out slowly and increase than risk over-stimming. In theory, this makes sense. I don't want to have to cancle a cycle because my ovaries are over stimulated. But after four nights of injecting myself, I was hoping to see a little more progress. Oh well. If I've learned anything through my IF trials and tribulations, it's that patience is a virtue.

What's New Pussycat?

2008-03-04T08:42:00.002-05:00

Honestly, not much! I went in for bloodwork yesterday and got a VM from the RE's office in the afternoon telling me not to come in today for an ultrasound but to come back on Wednesday for more bloodwork. Since I missed the call, I didn't have a chance to ask what my E2 level was or any other questions but my guess is it's still on the low side if my ultrasound is being pushed. Hopefully, I'll get some answers tomorrow.

Last night's shot was a little dicey. DH gave me the injection and I think he may have hit a vein or something because I started bleeding as soon as the needle came out. It didn't last very long and it looks fine this morning but it was a little nerve-wracking at the time.

My Date With the Needle

2008-03-03T09:17:00.005-05:00

So DH and I decided that I should do the injection myself last night. It took a few minutes and lots of deep breathing but I finally managed to get the needle in. I would have been totally fine with the whole thing if I didn't have to watch the needle going in. For some reason, that's what gets to me every time. Even thinking about it makes my stomach jump!

I went in to the RE's office this morning for blood work and you'd never have known I'd injected myself the night before -- I couldn't watch the nurse inserting the needle there either. So silly!

Since I'm well on my way to becoming a human pincushion, I decided to keep track of the number of times I get stuck this cycle and I'll post updates here periodically.

Needle count since 3/1: 4 (2 @ RE's offrice for bloodwork, 2 @ Bravelle shots at home)

Bravelle and Progesterone and Ovidrel, Oh My!

2008-03-02T09:39:00.008-05:00

I've been spoiled on Clomid. Each month, I got my 20 pills from the pharmacy which wasn't that different than picking up my Claritin or some other medication. So even though I handed in six prescriptions for my injectibles this cycle, I have to admit I was slightly shocked when I picked them up yesterday. The sales girl handed me a shopping bag filled with drugs and supplies -- syringes, needles, alcohol swapping pads, Bravelle (the follicle stimulating hormone), Ovidrel (the shot that will trigger ovulation), Progesterone (to help support implantation of the egg after ovulation) and Prenatal Vitamins (I've been taking OTC PNV's for two years but the RE has me on prescription ones now). As the pharmacist walked me through everything, other customers were looking at me like I was a junkie. Who in the world needs that much medication along with needles and syringes? Apparently, infertiles do!

When I got home, I unpacked the 4 boxes of Bravelle, 4 boxes of Prometrium, the PNV's, 20 syringes and 20 needles and put the Ovidrel shot in the fridge. The first injection was still hours away but I was already nervous about the size of the needle. I was so relieved to see that it was a 27 1/2 gage which, as you can see from this photo, is only about an inch long.

And here's a look at the horse-pill sized PNV's I now take nightly:

The old adage goes that little girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice and little boys are made of snakes and snails and puppy dog tails. If only it were that easy!

Adventures With Injectibles

2008-03-02T09:04:00.004-05:00

I survived my first injection! Despite a few mis-haps, DH gave me my first Bravelle shot last night and it wasn't nearly as bad as I expected. Here's a little bit abut the process:

We started by removing the syringe from it's packaging and attaching a Q-cap which helps mix the medicine. Next, we removed 1 ml of sodium chloride from the first vial and injected it into the second vial, where the Bravelle is in a concentrated pill. The sodium chloride and the Bravelle combined and we drew that 1 ml of liquid back into the syringe. Here's where things got a little nutty. The next step was to remove the Q-cap from the syringe and attach the needle. I managed to do that but when I went to take the cap off, I broke needle. DH went to get another one but couldn't find them. That's right -- somehow we had managed to lose a bag filled with 19 new needles! It took us about 20 minutes of crazed searching before we finally realized they had fallen off the self in our pantry into another bag. By now, we were both a little frazzled -- we really wanted to make sure we were doing everything right and "losing" the needles didn't inspire a whole lot of confidence in our ability to pull this off! One we calmed down, DH attached a new needle but we hit another snag attempting to get all of the air bubbles out of the syringe. After five minutes of trying to tap them out, we finally decided a very small one couldn't do much harm and it was time to do the injection. I swabbed the area on my belly with several alcohol pads (anything to prolong the inevitable!) and pinched the skin where the shot would go. DH thought it was a good idea if I gave myself the first injection just in case I ever had to do it alone so I picked up the syringe, held it like a dart as instructed, and took several deep breaths. When I went to jab myself, I exploded into a fit of giggles. I couldn't help it! The nerves took over and every time I tried to do the injection, I laughed uncontrollably instead. DH finally took the syringe from me and stuck me in the stomach. Injection #1 was a success! After all of that preparation, the shot was over in just a few seconds and while it didn't hurt nearly as much as I thought it would, I wouldn't call it painless either. All in all, the whole thing took a little more than a half hour but I'm hoping it will go more smoothly tonight. Let's hope that my follies are kicking into high gear!

Deep Thoughts, Courtesy of Jose Cuervo

2008-03-01T12:10:00.003-05:00

I had dinner last night with some girlfriends. During the course of the evening, I managed to suck down three margaritas and a glass of wine. I honestly cannot tell you the last time I drank so much! But since I'm hoping those will be my last alcoholic beverages for, oh, nine months or so, I might as well go out with a bang, right?

Two of my friends who were at dinner have kids so we spent a lot of time talking about them. At some point during the night, I wondered why it wasn't bothering me. I mean, for someone struggling with IF, you'd think hearing story after story about babies and toddlers would be kind of painful and I'll be honest -- there have been times when conversations like that would have sent me into a mini-depression. But last night I realized things had changed. For more than a year, I've been so focused on getting pregnant that actually having children seems completely unrelated. I know that I want a baby but the reality of what being a parent means is a whole other ballgame! Dealing with middle of the night feedings, the agony of teething and toilet training, handling fighting siblings -- I don't connect any of these things with the quest I'm on at this moment. For now, my goal is to get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby. That's the fantasy. I'll deal with the reality of what comes along with it later.

Operation Procreation Begins!

2008-03-01T11:49:00.003-05:00

I had my CD2 u/s and b/w this morning and since everything looks good, I start the injectibles tonight. I'm excited but nervous -- the idea of giving myself (or letting DH give me) these shots is slightly terrifying -- but if this is what it will take to get a BFP, then so be it. Bring on the Bravelle!

The B*tch is Back!

2008-02-29T12:11:00.003-05:00

I woke up at 4:00 this morning with the most horrible cramps ever. Sure enough, I went to the bathroom and AF had arrived!

I'm still amazed by what a roller coaster of emotions comes with getting my period each month. Sometimes, I'm excited because it means I can start a new treatment. Other times, I'm devastated by the fact that yet another cycle is a bust. This month, I really shouldn't have been surprised when AF reared her ugly head considering multiple ultra sounds had clearly shown that there weren't any eggs cooking in my follicles. But despite the fact that by now I know better than to expect a miracle, when I started get O-like symptoms followed by typical 2ww signs, a little bit of hope managed to creep in. When I saw that swipe of red on the toilet paper this morning, I couldn't help but feel disappointed. And that's the paradox of IF for me. As hard as I try to manage my expectations, I think I'd go insane taking all of these medications, spending each trip to the bathroom analyzing what I see on the TP, peeing on sticks twice a day and getting up at the crack of dawn several times a week to be stuck with needles and have a camera shoved in places no one but my husband should ever get to see if I didn't have a little sliver of hope that it would all result in a BFP. So that's why this morning, at 4 am alone in our powder room, even though I should have been overjoyed that AF arrived without the Provera and that my first injectible/IUI cycle would be starting, I still grieved a little for what might have been.

Well, here we go....

2008-02-28T16:31:00.004-05:00

I've been inspired, encouraged and comforted by so many other blogs out there that I decided to start one of my own in the hope that my feelings and experiences can help others in the same way. Here's a little bit about me and my journey with IF:

I just turned 34 years old, have been married for a little more than three years and live in New York City. My husband and I having been actively TTC since December 2006, although I went off the pill five months earlier. Now that I think about it, I probably should have anticipated we'd have problems getting pregnant. I'd been on the pill for almost 15 years and even then, never got my period regularly. When I first went off, I went months without menstruating which is what finally led me to my OBGYN in February 2007.

After that first appointment, I was a little overwhelmed but still super hopeful. My doctor ran blood tests on me, had my husband go for a semen analysis and sent me for an HSG (side note: How typically sexist is it that men get to pleasure themselves in order to be tested while women have their uterus and tubes filled ink to make sure everything's working? Okay, rant over). Everything came back normal, so he prescribed me Provera to jumpstart my period and Clomid to help me ovulate. Several of my friends have also used Clomid and got pregnant pretty quickly, so I was confident it would do the trick. Boy, was I wrong!

The first month, I took 50mg and didn't ovulate so I took Provera again and my dosage was upped to 100mg. That cycle, I did ovulate, but got a BFN. Since I ovulated and got my period that month, I was sure the Clomid was going to work and I'd get be pregnant in no time, but the next month, I didn't ovulate. That meant more Provera and another round of Clomid, this time 150mg. At this point, all of the drugs were really starting to affect me. The Clomid gave me horrible headaches and terrible cramps, along with hot flashes so unbearable that I vowed never to mock my mother and her complaints about menopause again! I also started to do some research on the Internet and realized that the protocol my OBGYN was advising wasn't necessarily in my best interest -- Clomid has several "invisible" side effects, like a thinning of the uterine lining, the drying up of cervical mucus and the growth of ovarian cysts, and women taking it should be closely monitored by their doctors to prevent any complications. I wasn't being monitored at all and it started to worry me. When I didn't ovuulate on 150mg either, my doctor wanted me to do one more round of Clomid at 200mg, which, despite all I was learning, I was willing to try because the prospect of seeing an RE terrified me. Taking that step meant admitting I really had a "problem", that I really was dealing with infertility. I wasn't ready to admit to myself that it might take more than Clomid to get pregnant. But at the same time, I vowed to be more proactive if the 200mg didn't do the trick.

Around this time, I started acupuncture. I was skeptical about the benefits but I was willing to give anything a try. Surprisingly, I actually enjoyed it. Not only did it help relax me, but my acupuncturist kind of became my therapist. She encouraged me to start charting and she helped me decipher what was going on with my body. She had me re-vamp my diet and gain some weight. And most reassuring of all, she validated my concerns about the treatment I was getting from my OBGYN. I did take the 200mg of Clomid and actually ovulated. DH and I timed intercourse perfectly and I was sure this was going to be our month.

My period arrived while we were at a wedding upstate and I was devasted. I had spent the night before only drinking Sprite, convinced I was going to get a positive pregnancy test when we got back. I literally cried on the toilet and wanted to crawl into bed and never come out. When we got back to NYC, I called my OBGYN to let him know what happened. Since the 200mg of Clomid had made me ovulate, he suggested we do one more round but I was done. On his advice, I spent seven months doing five rounds of Clomid and only ovulated twice. Who knew at this point if my lining was thinned beyond repair or if I had cysts? I was angry with myself for not taking charge of my care earlier and was ready for a second opinion.

I made an appointment with an RE at one of the most prestigious clinics in NYC but it was more than a month's wait before I could get in so my acupuncturist and I tried to make my month off medications as productive as possible. The day I should have ovulated came and went so I assumed the cycle was a bust. I went to the appointment with the RE assuming I'd be back on Provera again soon but when he did the ultrasound, he said I was about to ovulate. I was ecstatic that my body had managed to do its job without the Clomid and hoped I'd be one of those miracle break cycle BFP's. My doctor said everything looked good on DH's side and other than needing to gain some weight, he saw nothing wrong with me that would indicate why we were having issues. The RE said he should tell me to put on a few pounds and send me home, but since we'd already been trying for a year, he'd treat me. We were classified as having "unexplained infertility" and if I got a BFN that month, he wanted me to do another cycle of 200mg of Clomid while being monitored. He said if the Clomid didn't work, the next step would be Gonal-F but that in that case, he recommended we do IVF due to the risk of high order multiples. The idea of moving so quickly to IVF terrified me and I was confident that in his care, I would definitelt get pregnant on Clomid. Again, I was so so wrong.

I did three more round of 200mg of Clomid with the RE. The first two, I ovulated and got BFN's both time. Because I was being monitored, we realized the drugs were thinning my lining and added Estrace into the mix, which corrected that issue. But my cervical mucus was also becoming a problem. I tried to use Pre-seed to conteract it, but I really feel like it was the reason these two cycles were a bust. I started my last round of Clomid in February knowing that it was our last chance for a BFP before moving on to injectibles (and, possibly, to IVF) so I asked the doctor if we could do something to improve our chances and he agreed to add in a trigger shot and IUI. I was excited about trying something new and really felt that an IUI would make all the difference -- my lining was looking good and cervical mucus wouldn't be an issue. This time, I was sure we were going to be successful!

But my body had other plans. Namely, not ovulating. I had three ultrasounds in a row which showed my follicles had stopped growing. That meant no IUI for me. The only good news was that my RE said we'd be able to do a few injectible cycles with IUI's, as long as I understood that they would be canceled if I produced more than three mature follicles. I was overjoyed! The idea of moving straight to IVF seemed so extreme and honestly, after all of the struggling and heartbreak trying to get pregnant, the idea of twins was getting more and more attractive. The RE prescribed me Provera, scheduled me for an injectibles class and told me he'd see me on CD2.

That was in mid-February so you'd think I would be busy injecting myself with Bravelle every night by now. But no -- once again, my body decided to throw a wrench into the plans. I got my Provera prescription on February 14th (my 34th birthday!) but since DH and I were heading to Florida the next day for more than a week, I was paranoid I'd get my period while we were on vacation and wouldn't be able to go in for my CD2 tests, so I decided to take the pills when we got back. I figured I was on a mini-break from TTC, so I stopped temping, didn't count cycle days and felt like a normal person again! It was so liberating not to be worrying about those things for the first time in a year. But lo and behold, I woke up last Saturday morning to find a huge amount of EWCM. I hadn't seen anything like it since I started Clomid almost a year earlier and it made me think maybe I was ovulating. Sure enough, when we got back from our trip two days later, I started temping again and my temps were well above my usual coverline. Since then, my boobs have been super sore and I have all of the normal 2ww symptoms so I decided not to take the Provera. Based on what my body's telling me, either AF is on her way or we got one of those surprise break BFP's. I should know for sure later next week. If she comes, I'll start my injectibles and if she doesn't, either I'm pregnant or I'll start taking Provera. I'm not very hopeful at this point but I feel like I have to give it a shot.

So that's my story! If you're actually still reading at this point, thanks for taking the time. I promise not to be so wordy in the future.....